Consider seeds covered by snow, dying a little bit in a sense so that they can germinate and flourish and continue to grow.
Can you grow by “dying a little bit”?
What does this mean with regard to delving into the tender places and wording your stories?
2 thoughts on “Dying a Little?”
Great thought-starter, Lisa. Before I can dive into the tender places, I must die to the pain that tries to block me from entering. I must be willing to reach past what threatens to block me. Sometimes in order to heal from the pain, I must re-enter it momentarily. And I must die to my fear of doing that!
I know that I died a bit when I finally left and divorced my husband of 37 years. We had detached from each other several years before that: employment issues, clinical depression, bankruptcy. All of these issues drained us both physically and emotionally. We never fought, we just never talked about things that mattered. When I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2005, that was the beginning of the end for me. I kept working for two more years but had to stop. The stress of holding us together was making my disease worse for me. And I knew he could not accept or live with the person with MS. I believed he loved me but my future was unknown.
Several incidents led up to my leaving but the one that decided it for me was when I fell down going into a Quik Stop to use the restroom. MS made my balance very bad and I twisted my ankle and fell. The pain was immediately excruciating and I began to cry. I always cry when I fall, whether in pain or not. I am so embarrassed of calling attention to myself that way.
My husband stayed in the car. He did not get out immediately to help me and I lay there on the ground. “Lord, I cannot do this anymore,” I remember thinking. A few days later, he came home and announced that he had lost his job. I decided then to leave.
We lived in Michigan and a friend came from Illinois to get me. He did not help me get ready or help pack up the next day. I said that I loved him but this was good bye. I was nearly sick dealing with all the stress of the past 10 days and I began to die as we left. I left Michigan without seeing my 28year-old son one last time and I cried all the way to Illinois. I knew in my heart that I had made the best decision for me to take care of myself. I knew I would be stronger and more focused on what I needed to do to stay healthy and become happy once again.
That determination and focus kept me going through many months of pain, anger, and death of a marriage. Even now, almost 2 years later, I still wonder how I found the strength to walk away and get a divorce. I never thought that I would do that. But I am healing, moving on, have re-established more solid connections with both of my adult sons and I am closer to my 97 year old mother. There is no doubt that I have been guided, supported and uplifted by a higher power. God and guiding angels carried me through and showed me a new direction for my life.
I am still a work in progress but a new and wonderful chapter of my life has begun. But I could not have gotten here without the process of dying a little along the way…..