10 thoughts on “Ever think, “I should be over this by now?”

  1. Still wrestling with forgiving my former boss who kicked me to the curb after I took a new position at the non-profit I had worked at for two and a half years. Unrealistic demands, lousy or no training, not nearly enough help, and poor communication, while expecting me to still manage part of my old position and direct this new one only two days a week. She expected me to work tons of extra hours with no pay. I guess I just wasn’t compliant enough. I was also told I had my priorities all wrong. Sheesh. This was coming from a person whose marriage is in the toilet and who eats, sleeps, and drinks work. It was pretty much all me doing a bad job according to her. So I was forced to resign.

    When I ran into her a few days ago she pours on the charm–something she is very good at– and does the “let’s do lunch thing.” “Yeah, sure. When you get a hole in your schedule and I get a hole in mine.” All the while I’m thinking, “You’d be the last person I would ever want to do lunch with.” . I wrestle with fury and depression. Sometimes blaming it all on her and sometimes thinking it’s all my fault. I think am least hostile when I pray for her. She is a Christian and I recognize that both she and I are broken and are operating out of brokenness. But then I jump back into the ditch and wallow some more. I keep wondering when and if the wounds will ever heal. They are still very raw.

  2. Today is my older sister’s birthday. But she doesn’t celebrate birthdays, or Christmas or any other holidays. And she will not talk to me or associate with me because I left the religion that she belongs to. I was one of Jehovah’s Witnesses for 16 years and when I chose to leave for Biblical reasons, I lost my sisters and all of my friends. That religion split our family down the middle with my Mom in the center of a heart-breaking mess.

    AND when I wrote my letter to disassociate myself, the elders announced at the next Sunday’s meeting that I was kicked out instead for sinning. They lied. And no one would let me tell them the truth because they don’t want to be kicked out for talking to me.

    My younger sister’s birthday is the 31st of this month and she does not associate with me either. We are only 22 months apart and were as close as twins growing up. She has also disowned her own son and his wife and baby because her son left the religion. And I am not able to have any contact with her other three children and her other little grandbaby.

    A lot of the time I don’t even think about them. It has been so long since my family was destroyed. But on days like today I remember my sisters and hope that they are someday able to make their own decisions about who they will love.

  3. Recently, I was asked to join a group of adult adoptees who are trying to find solace in sharing rejection letters from their biological mothers and birth family. On my sometimes painful journey, I have learned the hard way to try and put myself in others’ shoes, but these were cold, heartless letters that would break anyone’s heart. I felt such sad, conflicting emotions that made me wonder why I am doing this to myself. In the past, I have sent letters to different members of my deceased birth father’s family begging kindly for a picture of my father and any pertinent medical history. But I am not holding my breath anymore for those pictures to arrive in the mail like promised. Since my father’s son stood me up after flying out of state to meet him, years later… the sting of rejection still feels so real.

    I bravely walked away from the group wondering if cruel words cut deeper than silence.

  4. I wish I could’ve learned to take people’s word for it instead of always having to experience everything the hard way. I wish I could’ve learned to turn my stubbornness into determination rather than always working it against myself. I wish I had learned to give up control & surrender to my Abba Father without all of the problems with addictions…eating disorders, alcohol, drugs, sex, attention, work, etc. that finally brought me flat on my face before my Lord & Savior. I wish I would’ve loved myself enough to not have sex outside of the marriage covenant so I wouldn’t be still living with the consequences of mothering a child today. I wish my parents had taken parenting as seriously as I am & gotten themselves help growing into who God would have them to be instead of just trying to figure it all out on their own. I really wish I could let go of all of the hurt of all of the sexual abuse & it didn’t keep rearing it’s ugly head in everything from TV to worship songs. I wish it didn’t all hurt so much & so much of the time! I hate feeling so alone in all of this, but I PRAISE GOD for the testimony He’s given me & pray that all of my experiences…the good & the bad…can be used in some way to bring glory to Him. His name be praised! HALLELUJAH!

  5. I used to think that way for many years I buried the pain of my childhood, the violation of my young adulthood. Then I released my anger and surrendered my hurt to God. I had to learn to TRUST God over and over again because I felt abandoned by my All Powerful Creator. I fell in love with Jesus as my Savior…then a new challenge came [cancer] and I had to let go again. I believed and claimed His promises. I knew tribulation, sorrow and suffering were real and would happen but I wanted to escape the world. So I came to peace with death if necessary. Now I live one day at a time and hold onto His grace. Truly He holds onto me. Life is not fair, circumstances are tough but there are many beautiful moments so I choose to be thankful. This is why I love the simplicity of the serenity prayer:
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time;
    accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
    taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
    Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will;
    so that that I may be reasonably happy in this life
    and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen. Reinhold Niebuhr

    Blessings to you all…keep drawing near to God for comfort, healing and hugs!
    Love,
    Carol.

  6. There are so many things that I feel I should be over. I feel that everyday. My Dad was murdered before I was born. My Mother didn’t tell me about him and got angry when others tried. Many more people around me died as I grew up. And now in the last 10 years I have begun to loose most of the people that are important to me. I can’t seem to catch my breath before I experience another loss. Grandmothers, Uncles, cousin, Father-in-law, and 8 months ago my Mother died after 18 months of suffering from cancer. 3 months later my son was diagnosed with Autism, which isn’t a death but a slight loss of future expectations. And now my Mom’s sister is very ill and most likely won’t live much longer. I feel like I should be over it all. I should just be able to let it go and move on. I have a wonderful husband and 2 incredible children to live for. And myself. But the constant cloud of sickness and death that hovers over me at 35 is overwhelming. I can’t get over the last one before the next one comes. They are piling on each other. I feel incredibly alone in my loss.

  7. I too have a list of many things that I wish were over. Problems with addiction, mental illness, homelessness, unemployment and scarred relationships. I have been flat on my face before God many times only to return to my sinful ways.

    I wish my mental illness (bipolar and depression) were over with. I have lived with this illness for over 20 years. Even though I have educated myself regarding treatment and management, it is a daily struggle to not give up. I find myself angry. I have a compassionate, loving heart and intelligence but often times I have given in to my illness and made damaging decisions. It seems all I do is spend my life recovering from decisions made during a manic or depressive state of mind.

    I wish my desire for substance use was 100% over. I am on the road to recovery and God has brought me far in this journey. I am ashamed for ever allowing the devil to gain this stronghold in my life.

    I know it boils down to obedience and daily fellowship with God. It’s when I take my eyes off of God that my sinful desires return. I left him, he did not leave me. Because of my sins, I feel unworthy at times to talk to him. I feel that I do not have a right to expect him to bless my life. I cannot make my journey of recovery based upon my feelings. I know I am his child. I am worthy of his blessings. I must allow him to lead my journey of recovery and blessing.

  8. I was raped and he tried to kill me when I was 16. I am now 70 and I have lived my entire life with this memory and not being able to get past it. I have married and my husband had a 10 year affair with another woman and this may have played a part in it. I don’t know but I do know that my hurts keep me from being the person I know I should be. Please pray that I find true peace and happiness.

  9. I write this on Holy Week…as we remember the Passion of our Lord. He told us to take up our cross, and follow Him. The only way to make sense of suffering is to join it with His suffering. When I suffer, I know I need a Savior. When everything is going fine, I forget Him. There’s a difference between guilt and shame. If you are guilty, we did something wrong, and we should be sorry…feel badly…and apologize and seek repentance and forgiveness from God. Shame, on the other hand, is something that we feel….but it is imposed upon us by a perpetrator who raped, molested, harmed us…we did nothing wrong….and this shame should be put back upon the truly guilty one…and it is not us. Mental illness is not a sin. Depression is not a sin. Lord, help me to follow you…carrying the suffering to the cross…where you, and only YOU, can help me crucify the pain and bring true resurrection to a new and JOYFUL life with you…here and everlastingly in Heaven! Happy Easter!

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