One thought on “Our sense of control is a mere illusion…

  1. Oh, the agony of watching my little girl struggling. It’s as though I’m in a freefall with no hand holds or foot hold anywhere to be found. At some point I’m going to just wish for the bottom to get here so I can walk away from this mess. No, I’m not suicidal. I’m just in agony while I watch my 7 year old daughter fight the demons of anxiety and doubt and her fear of being a disappointment. All over a stupid cheerleading competition. I don’t even like cheerleading competitions. I allowed her to join the team because she begged me to. She does great in practice and is so excited and happy with what she is learning. Unfortunately on competition day, her nerves take her over. At the last competition she balked and refused to go on. I have taken a verbal lashing of another parent over the fact that I did not force her to go on stage, (As if I could!) I have felt unnecessary personal shame and embarrassment that my little girl ‘let her team down’. It’s all so ridiculous. Now there is a competition on Sunday and my sweet little girl is crying in school over the pressure she has put on herself.

    We have some tough decisions to make before tomorrow. I want to take her pain away. I want her to go out there on Sunday and show herself and everyone else how great she is. I want her to tell me tonight that she’s done with competitive cheer forever. I want to go back to bed. No, wait…I want to wake up on Monday morning and have all of this mess over and done with. I’m all over the place as you can clearly see.

    Don’t think for a moment that I haven’t said and done and researched and prayed all of the right things. I have. It all comes down to the same thing it always does. Trust. I have trust issues with God.I know I shouldn’t say that but it’s true. I know He’s faithful. Always. It’s the part between the beginning of the test and the part where He shows up and works the miracle or reveals things with clarity I have trouble with. That place where there is nothing left to do but pray. So here goes…

    Lord, help me help my baby girl. Help me believe that you are in this with us. Help me to not try to rescue her or get in the way of your will for her. Help her to discover the power she has in you. Protect her fragile little self esteem, Father. Let her feel your loving presence. Give her peace. Lord. While you’re at it, let her have my share, too. Give her comfort Lord, to deal with whatever comes. Take it all, Lord. I surrender. I stand in the gap for my little girl and surrender for her, too. She doesn’t know how to surrender yet. Let our family walk away from this struggle hand in hand with each other and most importantly, with You. Thank you, God for your permanence and your vigilance over our lives. Help me trust you more and more.

    In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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