If only I could financially live closer to my grandchildren and have a good income without the fear that I would never be able to buy a house again once I sold the one I am in.
If only I had not been so “love” hungry and married the first man that paid me some attention thinking that it was forever love.
If only people would accept me for who I am not judge me because I can’t go to church and if only I didn’t have to wait so long for God to fulfill his promise
If only I could see myself as God sees me. If only I could speak my mind/thoughts to those who matter most and not have fear of hurting them or the relationship. If only I were financially stable n not live check to check. If only I could afford to be able to treat my son to some of his wishes n dreams.
If only I had saved some of the money that my husband, Pearl was awarded. If only I had known that in two years he would be dead. Instead Pearl and I helped out my grand daughter who had little children and a boy friend who didn’t like to work. And when Pearl died I had it really hard financially which caused me to have to move in with my son and daughter-in-law after a year. I have lived with them a year now and it has not always been easy. My son lives in the mountains of Tennessee. I lived at the Beach with Pearl. Moving to the mountains has not made me miss my husband less. I still miss him even though he has been gone two years and 1 and 1/2 months. Write where it hurts helps me out a lot when I go to the site. I haven’t been going there lately and I think that I need to be on the web site more. So this is my return.
…I could be understood.
…I could accept what I have and not want what has been taken from me.
…I could put my trust in God and not people and things that are guaranteed to fail.
…I didn’t feel like I had to censor myself to protect others who wouldn’t do the same for me.
…I could have a conversation around the kitchen table with my parents and grandparents. I have so many questions. Where do I go from here?
Only could just let all this hatred I have in my heart go. But I hVE BEEN HURT SO MUCH THAT I KNOW THat god is really working it out for me. I also wish that I could get a financial Blessing too get out the debts that i am struggling with.
If only…I could see my way out of this life. If only I could know real love…If only I could really believe as I used to that God really cares for me…I am living a fantasy if only it was my real life.
If only I’d known in a useful and practical way that it is illegal for my husband or anyone to touch me in an insulting or angry way 35 years ago when I got married. Growing up in Japan and with an angry father and rough and tumble brothers made me feel tough enough to handle physical abuse in my married life. But my spirit has suffered all these years to the point where at 58 I’m physically sick with MS.
I have MS but I did not suffer with physical abuse as you did. Still, physical abuse affects you mentally and emotionally as well. I was diagnosed in 2005 and my husband of 32 years did not want to live the rest of his life with the person who had MS. He gave up on me and himself.
If only I had been as strong and determined at the age of 20 as I am now, I would have finished my bachelors degree and been able to take care of myself financially. I would not have given in to the threat “marry me now or not at all”. We were both to immature to marry at that time but I gave in. If only I had not done that…….
If only…..I knew then what I know now…..maybe I would have confidence, maybe I would have made better decisions, maybe I would have more money, maybe I would have better relationships and maybe I wouldn’t be who I am now. I like who I am now…I trust my feelings and decision-making more…….I couldn’t always say that. Peace to you all.
If only the LORD would give me the breakthrough on financial provision to begin the ChristianWritersGuild(.com) two year course. This will help me study writing in a disciplined way; have a good mentor and begin Writing for Jesus in a way my nation needs. Thanks!
If only….I could write about my fears, my pain. If I could tell my friends that I am not born out of the devil, that I am not a monster. If only they want to accept that my past had made me a prison, If only they want to believe that while ill, (mentally ill) I have done wrong but I cannot as they believe that I am create by the devil, I am evil. So many times I have thought I have join a group that believe in (GOD) they claim they do but as always, those that claim to be children of GOD, is the one’s that remove me from there GOD forum, without asking me if the story’s they hear from others are true. I get reject by Christians on a daily bases. If only I can believe God have a place for me.
If only people would understand how very hard it is to look back there and admit what really happened.
If only I could financially live closer to my grandchildren and have a good income without the fear that I would never be able to buy a house again once I sold the one I am in.
If only I had not been so “love” hungry and married the first man that paid me some attention thinking that it was forever love.
If only people would accept me for who I am not judge me because I can’t go to church and if only I didn’t have to wait so long for God to fulfill his promise
If only I could show them I am the good that came from a past wrong.
If only I wouldn’t wonder if only, but embrace and find the value in what is.
If only I could see myself as God sees me. If only I could speak my mind/thoughts to those who matter most and not have fear of hurting them or the relationship. If only I were financially stable n not live check to check. If only I could afford to be able to treat my son to some of his wishes n dreams.
Start over
If only I had saved some of the money that my husband, Pearl was awarded. If only I had known that in two years he would be dead. Instead Pearl and I helped out my grand daughter who had little children and a boy friend who didn’t like to work. And when Pearl died I had it really hard financially which caused me to have to move in with my son and daughter-in-law after a year. I have lived with them a year now and it has not always been easy. My son lives in the mountains of Tennessee. I lived at the Beach with Pearl. Moving to the mountains has not made me miss my husband less. I still miss him even though he has been gone two years and 1 and 1/2 months. Write where it hurts helps me out a lot when I go to the site. I haven’t been going there lately and I think that I need to be on the web site more. So this is my return.
…I could be understood.
…I could accept what I have and not want what has been taken from me.
…I could put my trust in God and not people and things that are guaranteed to fail.
…I didn’t feel like I had to censor myself to protect others who wouldn’t do the same for me.
…I could have a conversation around the kitchen table with my parents and grandparents. I have so many questions. Where do I go from here?
Only could just let all this hatred I have in my heart go. But I hVE BEEN HURT SO MUCH THAT I KNOW THat god is really working it out for me. I also wish that I could get a financial Blessing too get out the debts that i am struggling with.
If only…I could see my way out of this life. If only I could know real love…If only I could really believe as I used to that God really cares for me…I am living a fantasy if only it was my real life.
If only I’d known in a useful and practical way that it is illegal for my husband or anyone to touch me in an insulting or angry way 35 years ago when I got married. Growing up in Japan and with an angry father and rough and tumble brothers made me feel tough enough to handle physical abuse in my married life. But my spirit has suffered all these years to the point where at 58 I’m physically sick with MS.
if only i could take back that day almost seven years ago (march 27, 2005) when my daughters left.
I have MS but I did not suffer with physical abuse as you did. Still, physical abuse affects you mentally and emotionally as well. I was diagnosed in 2005 and my husband of 32 years did not want to live the rest of his life with the person who had MS. He gave up on me and himself.
If only I had been as strong and determined at the age of 20 as I am now, I would have finished my bachelors degree and been able to take care of myself financially. I would not have given in to the threat “marry me now or not at all”. We were both to immature to marry at that time but I gave in. If only I had not done that…….
If only…..I knew then what I know now…..maybe I would have confidence, maybe I would have made better decisions, maybe I would have more money, maybe I would have better relationships and maybe I wouldn’t be who I am now. I like who I am now…I trust my feelings and decision-making more…….I couldn’t always say that. Peace to you all.
If only the LORD would give me the breakthrough on financial provision to begin the ChristianWritersGuild(.com) two year course. This will help me study writing in a disciplined way; have a good mentor and begin Writing for Jesus in a way my nation needs. Thanks!
If only….I could write about my fears, my pain. If I could tell my friends that I am not born out of the devil, that I am not a monster. If only they want to accept that my past had made me a prison, If only they want to believe that while ill, (mentally ill) I have done wrong but I cannot as they believe that I am create by the devil, I am evil. So many times I have thought I have join a group that believe in (GOD) they claim they do but as always, those that claim to be children of GOD, is the one’s that remove me from there GOD forum, without asking me if the story’s they hear from others are true. I get reject by Christians on a daily bases. If only I can believe God have a place for me.