Lord, I feel so cut off from everyone. Especially from you. Don’t you see what I’m going through? How can you not intervene? Can’t you help me find a way out of this pain? If you are everywhere, and can do anything, where are you in this?
One morning, driving into work, my anger and confusion drove me right into Satan’s plans, into his waiting arms where I believed his lies. Oh, I hid behind my masks and they served me well–or so I thought.
No, really, things are okay. I can do this. Many people have it worse than me; this isn’t so bad. I’m capable, confident. I am a survivor, and I don’t need anyone.
False beliefs and soul-scars from my childhood had convinced me I could never measure up, but my masks promised otherwise. I could be that person I thought others expected me to be. I could be calm and happy. I could be put-together and wildly successful. Truth is, the masks were extremely uncomfortable, squeezing me into a person I wasn’t supposed to be.
When wounds cut deep, the opinion of others sometimes matters most—how much that must hurt God’s heart. Those triggered-by-others insecurities are not God’s plan for us. Consider his reaction to Adam and Eve the day they fell for that life-changing lie.
Later that evening when the breeze fell among the trees in the garden, Adam and Eve lay open their shame. “I was afraid … I was naked and I hid (Gen 3:11, MSG).”
“Who told you that?” God asked.
I just love the question. God well knew the source of their shackling guilt but I believe he wanted them to consider that someone else, a shrewd and conniving Enemy, had influenced their beliefs.
Today, God asks us the same thing, “Who told you that?”
Who has squelched, diminished, or ignored our voices? Patronized or belittled us?
Who told you that you are worthless? Not good enough? Unlovable? That what you say doesn’t matter?
What life-messages are we responding to? Criticism from a cynical “friend”? A family-imposed silence? Shame from an abusive spouse? Close relationships with narcissists, know-it-alls, controlling or belittling people? A toxic religious system, even?
Do these messages line up with who we are—really are? With what God says about us?
This is where the healing begins, this truth-telling.
Oh Jo Ann, this huts it right where I still struggle and hiding behind a mask of brokenness. Friend, thank you for the post. It is seriously needed and at this time especially, but I cannot discuss this pain right now..it is so deep and i do not even know where to begin. This just jumped out at me. I guess one might say that I have been in denial..:( Hugs JoAnn Dolores
Oh Dolores, I will pray this moment. <3
You must have a great right hook, because this post really delivered a punch in the gut.
“Who told you that?” I never applied that question to my own life…it was always tucked
safely away in Genesis with Adam and Eve.
“Who told you that?”….Parents, teachers, kids at school, and people even closer. The
whole bumble bee incident as a tiny little girl that forced my mama to vote for another
little girls bumble bee over mine set up the whole “you’re not good enough, you’re not
enough, someone else will always be better, do better, have more to offer” routine. And
that thought was encouraged, compounded daily, with only the voice of my grandparents
to counter it, and wishy-washy other people that one minute extolled my virtues and the next
told me how worthless I was.
The tapes still play. Though I know they are a lie because He made me and He made me in
His image, a daughter of the King…the tapes still play back those mean things and it isn’t
getting any better. I can’t get them out of my head, even though I pray to be who He created
me to be and that would mean having a positive self-image, something counter to the message
of those old tapes.
Thank you for this post.
Thank you for sharing sweet Suzanne. I get it, the old tapes, the lack of positive image, but when I take all that junk and line it up under with what God says about me, they just don’t match. I choose what God says. <3
You’re welcome and thank you, too. I chose what He says. I believe that He means what He says and would never hurt me. So why is it so hard to shut those tapes up? How do I block out those negative messages when some of them are in the here and now, drowning out His message?
Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful. For the last few years, God has been greatly at work in me to strip away the layers of lies that I have allowed to take root in my life as for the past 15 years I had been a slave to 3 P’s – People, Porn, and Pain. In this journey to strip away the layers, I have gotten to the greatest lie and root that God has found buried deep in my heart from childhood – that I need to over achieve to get people to like to me, that I need everyone’s approval. This reminds me of the work that He is doing in me and in all of us and gives us a remarkable reminder of His grace and strength for our journeys!
Oh JB, how beautifully you describe the journey. Praise GOD for the work He is accomplishing in your willing heart. <3 Thanks for stopping by … thank you more for sharing a slice of your own journey with us. It is these stories that encourage others to tell their own.
From as far back as I can remember, I have felt different than every other person on earth. I’m not as good, I am not meant for a good life, I’m too bad, worse than everyone, I’m worthless. And today still I read of people reading a verse in the Bible and they are changed by the promises they read. I feel nothing. When I read verses, when people tell me his promises, I feel they are for all others, but not me. When he died on the cross, I was the one exception. He just didn’t know how bad I was when he said he died for all.