He hit me. I deserved it.
I can’t trust. The ones you do trust always hurt you.
I fought these lies rambling through my mind. Really, I just wanted to be loved and feel safe. I didn’t want to live in fear anymore. Fear has been the driving force in everything I do. Fear of him, fear he’ll leave me, fear I can’t take care of myself, fear of being alone. The realization hit: I have lived my whole life in fear.
I need to change my thinking; to put my trust in God. He will never leave me or forsake me. I know all these things—why is it so hard?
It’s been two years since I’ve been hit, but every time he loses his temper I get that sick feeling in my stomach. Is he going to hit me now? I’m taking baby steps, feel as if I am learning to live again. Yet breaking free from this thought pattern feels too hard. God has a better way, I know this but I keep falling back into the same old habits.
It’s my fault he was angry.
I should be a better wife.
I shouldn’t have said that.
Sometimes I wonder, “Why bother?” Then, I see what it’s doing to our children. They all think it’s their fault, “Don’t make daddy mad.” We walk on eggshells, trying to prevent the anger.
I have to forgive him. He said he was sorry and it will never happen again. I believe him. It gets better for a while, and then he blows again. Just get through it. He is always so nice and loving after he gets it all out.
I must control myself, my behavior. I have to control the kids and their behavior, just don’t make him mad. God tells me I have to give up the control and give it to Him. In the beginning I didn’t trust God but like he did with the Israelites in Exodus, He did with me. God has done unexplainable miracles in my life and my family’s.
Surrender. Letting go of control, trusting the Lord—it’s all I have now. I’ve even tried to run Him off but He will not leave. I can trust God. He is faithful. I haven’t been abused for two years now but things still aren’t perfect. And I return to old thought patterns. But I am getting better, his blow ups are less frequent, and I can see now God working in his heart.
For A Purpose
But I have spared you for a purpose-to show you my power and to spread my fame throughout the earth (Exodus 9:16).
The Lord gave me this verse when I asked Him why all these things happened to me. At eight years old, I was raped and molested by a nineteen year old boy who was supposed to be my babysitter. My mother, who had me when she was a mere sixteen, committed suicide when I was twelve years old. Due to much trauma I developed dissociative identity disorder, to be able to cope.
We grew up in a home with emotional and mental abuse; my dad had a wicked temper. I ended up drinking and doing drugs when I was eighteen to numb the inner pain. Finally after I almost overdosed I met Jesus. I stopped doing drugs, got baptized, and started living an on again off again Christian life.
I had real mental issues that I never dealt with. I was cleaned up on the outside yet inside I still screamed for help. Then I met Michael, my husband. His temper was just like my dad’s; it was all I knew so it seemed normal. He was abused as a child so that’s all he knew as well.
We had four kids. We learned to live with a secret. We lived a big lie. We looked as normal as possible on the outside but inside the walls of our home was constant mental, emotional, and physical abuse. This went on for fifteen years. It was simply how life was supposed to be—or so we thought.
It wasn’t until our youngest child Christian almost drowned that things went really wrong. He was under seventeen minutes and when they pulled him out he had no pulse was non-responsive and no heartbeat, he was gone. After several minutes of CPR he started to breath, we were given a miracle.
This was too much for my husband to handle; he checked out of our family and fell into a dark place. He filed for divorce; the beatings became severe. No longer able to cope, I literally lost my mind. I suffered battered women syndrome; I could no longer distinguish real life from fiction.
Somehow, God reached my husband’s heart. He decided he wanted to work things out. With my faith in my husband, and not God, I had lost touch with reality. My whole world fell apart, no job, and I was so lost I couldn’t take care of myself anymore much less my children. My memory failed me while I continued to one beating after another.
God continued to work on Michael’s heart while I slowly crawled back to reality. My husband got us all the mental help we all desperately needed; we started the long process of healing.
Even today, I look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person staring back at me. God can truly take any mess we have created and turn it into good. I thought we had no hope but our God is bigger and He will not leave us or forsake us. My faith is now in God where it should be. I’ve learned that nothing is too far gone that He can’t fix.
Courage to Change
If you are being abused in any way, pray! Ask God for the courage to leave – remove yourself from the situation. Get an emergency plan with yourself and children to leave. Regardless of how it feels, you can’t change him/her—only God can. Get to a shelter and get the help you need.
Don’t be ashamed because of your situation. Be more concerned if you choose not to get out and get help. With God’s help, I was able to take the steps to get help for me and my children. It’s been two years of continuous therapy; I’m not done yet. My husband was abused as a child and it took a miracle from God to change our situation but it started with me getting help. I was abused since I was a child, abuse was my normal. But being abused is not normal and not what God expects you to endure.
God is real and He is mighty to save, He saved me. He isn’t done with me or my family, yet I will trust Him.
Karey Kollar is a 43 year old homemaker from Dallas Texas. She currently resides in McKinney,Texas with her husband Michael and their four children. Follow Karey’s journal to healing here.