Just Not Good Enough

Guest post by Joyce Harrell

Yesterday I experienced a major breakthrough in my life and I wanted to share it. As a nurse and a caregiver, I have dreams—dreams have been limited, because of my own mindset. Thoughts of my own insecurities and inability to let go of past hurts have constructed this wall between failure and success.

In class yesterday, the roles were turned. I was going to be the client. We had two “clients” for our last class. I agreed to coach the first client. When it came my turn as client, I wanted help with the procrastination I battled in completing my certification projects.

As the student-client shared her story, and what she wanted to work on, it struck a nerve of past hurts in my life. Just so you know, I already had my plan worked out. I was going to talk about my procrastination of a project. I wasn’t going to let anything penetrate my walls. But the student-client talked on about her struggles, and all of a sudden I tuned out. I had to stop.

“You know, this situation is just hitting so close to home for me, I really can’t continue being the coach in this situation.” My chest tightened. I couldn’t believe this intense emotion. Another student finished with the student-client, and then it was my turn to be the client.

Do you ever want to just crawl up under a rock and be invisible? That was me, yesterday. The real me, the real hurts. If I shared them, then I would have to face them. I would have to do something with them.

I risked it. I shared. I shared being 5’9″ tall at 13 years old. I shared how the neighbor boys targeted me. I shared how for years and years I was made fun of for being tall and thin. What is that about? I should have told them off, and applied to be a model. No, I heard Jolly Green Giant just too many times. I heard it on the bus, I heard the names at school and by this time their friends were involved. Then I heard it at church. The place where it should be safe. It wasn’t safe. We went to the same church. The more I was devastated, the more it went on. It only worsened when my mom talked to their mom.

What did I do when I got old enough to get out from under the verbal abuse? I wanted to date one of them. What was that about? I did date one of them off and on for a few years. Until I learned his mother didn’t want him dating me. I think that was the proverbial nail in my self-esteem coffin.

For my entire adult life, this “not being good enough” cloud followed me. Do you ever feel you aren’t good enough? That’s a false thinking concept. Being well is a holistic wheel that encompasses every area of your life. This faulty thinking really affected every area of my life.

Today I feel well. Major breakthroughs occurred yesterday. Yesterday I was able to separate my faulty thinking from my reality. I set down the hurt that has plagued me for almost 40 years. I learned to step outside the situation—to view it in third person, like it wasn’t even me.

Today, I walk toward my wellness. I feel a freedom I have never felt. I have always used this childhood past as an excuse for my lack of progression and success. If only I could get over all this, I would succeed the way I wanted to succeed. I used it much like a crutch. It kept me from moving forward.

What an eye opener. I am developing my vision planning board, as a freed person—the person I am becoming. I am taking one step at a time. I am free now.

What I want more than anything is to be able to see other women free in their minds. How could I do that when I struggled myself? How humbled I am to know what I have been through and the victory God allows me to experience will help others be free.

You can be free in your mind. You are worthy. You are beautiful! If you cannot forget or forgive what has happened to you in the past, don’t dwell on it. The negative doesn’t deserve your attention.

Instead of trying to forget the past, look forward and visualize what it would feel like to be free. What does that look like to you? What does that feel like?  See yourself as healed, resourceful and whole. Pay attention to how that feels. The more you can know what you want, the less you will pay attention to what you don’t want. It may not be an overnight change. Keep going forward.

It feels so good to be whole. I actually like who I am. All 5’9″ of me.

 

Joyce Harrell is a Christian RN Health Educator who wants to share victory and hope with women in the Body of Christ. Visit Joyce at www.lowglycemicnurse.com or www.facebook.com/poweruphealth

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.