Recently widowed Kim McKinney allows us an intimate glimpse into the grief process. Today we are honored to share snippets of Kim’s journaling during the devastating loss of her husband. A very authentic example of writing where it hurts, one which I hope encourages you to face any unresolved pain which may linger in your own heart.
October 10, 2011: Walking around the hospital, I see nestled in the corners pockets of grief. Weeping families and friends huddled in their own moments of sadness. I wonder about their story and if it is a bit like mine. I somehow feel connected to them. I breathe a prayer for them and return to my own space of grief.
October 15, 20011: As my husband has one foot in my world and one foot in eternity, I grab onto those moments of connection, though they are slipping from me like a like a sand in a glass time capsule. Our tears join the river that flow from this world to the vibrant, mystical but real city that will soon be welcoming Stan home. I find God’s presence in all the fluctuating emotions, tears, grief, laughter, quiet, peace and even the flashes of anger. He is here.
October 17, 20011: I stayed beside my husband listening to his labored breaths. Hospice advised me to take breaks in case he wanted to pass alone, not wanting to burden anyone. I kissed his warm forehead and reluctantly left telling him he could go be with Jesus, but I would be back in a few minutes to be with him again. I peered through the doorway, good he was still with us. I curled up beside him on the bed and felt the warmth and comfort of his body next to mine. Time passed, his familiar scent embracing me. The spaces between each breath became longer and quieter. A breath, I listened, I waited, I watched, the next rise of his chest did not come. He had lovingly waited for me to be close to him as he took the hand of Jesus and left me for a time. A kiss on his warm head one minute, the next was on his cooling forehead. We are only a breath away from eternity. I will miss you Stan, every day until I see you again.
October20, 2011: I hear the footsteps on the bridge, they echo through the wood and empty into the water. They seem distant and eerie, but they are mine. The leaves crunch under my feet as I step off the bridge connecting me with the fallen leaves cushioning the path. My steps lead me to the unfamiliar place of loneness. My love has traveled an unseen road, a higher road, unreachable for me. God whispers through the trees and sings to me with the birds landing around me, it is just enough to carry me through another day of sadness.
Kim McKinney is a writer and Life coach. Her children’s interactive devotionals and stories encourage child participation and relate to issues surrounding today’s children. Kim works individually with women, and also as a group facilitator coaching women to move forward in the plans God has for them. She loves to hike, bike, read, write and spend time with her family and friends. Visit Kim at her website here.