Column Post by Aj Luck
Tears streamed silently down my face as I lay there in bed. My body racked with pain, it seemed more than I could take. Then the voices began flooding my mind.
“You are worthless. Just look at you. You are broken. This is all your fault. You are letting everyone down. You are making all this up in your head!”
Late last year I was diagnosed with auto immune disorder, fibromyalgia, and chronic pain. My medicine cabinet looks like a pharmacy. Yet I still hurt. The onset of pain can come at a moment’s notice and with no warning. Some days, picking up a pen is impossible. Driving a car is out of the question. Walking is difficult, let alone housework or everyday chores.
I’ve been told it’s my fault, I have a lack of faith, God is mad at me, I am making it all up, and it’s just the cross I am meant to bear.
It hurts. If they only knew how badly I am struggling. I want to be able to be “normal.” But then, what is normal?
I don’t like being sick. I don’t like feeling weak. Worst yet, I hate feeling as if I have no control. Along with chronic pain and fibromyalgia comes a dark depression. As if things aren’t bad enough in my physical body, now I have to battle the mental, too.
I can’t. I’m simply too tired. The Bible says to take every thought captive. I try, but it’s like trying to capture the ocean with a sand bucket: Impossible.
Why would God allow this to be part of who I am right now? Doesn’t He want to heal me? I mean, I could get so much more done for His Kingdom if I at least felt better.
Most days, I don’t. I sink deeper into worthlessness.
Then I wonder: is He punishing me? Deep down I know the answer. No, He is not angry at me. Instead, He is right here with me through each ache and pain. He collects my every tear in a bottle. He understands.
Maybe He just needs me to understand.
He never created me to be perfect. He created me with weaknesses and struggles. If He didn’t, then why would I ever need Him? He says that in my weakness, His strength is perfected in and through me. I have to accept that everything that happens to me, to us, is sifted through HIS hands first. We may not like or understand the why behind the what. We simply must lean on Him and trust that He is behind the scenes working on our behalf.
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalms 56:8
You are here, too? I know the discouragement of chronic pain. Maybe together we could just trade our frustrations for the Hand of our Creator, in blind trust taking one day at a time.
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Aj is a blogger, bookworm, wife and mommy, and an author of children’s books, spiritual thrillers, and inspirational works. Aj’s blog, Shattered Perspectives, is dedicated to encouraging and helping women who have suffered and/or are struggling with abuse. In her spare time Aj can be found nursing cold Diet Cokes and searching for awesome bargains in nearby thrift stores. She resides in Florida with her husband, son, two dogs and the biggest diva of a Siamese cat ever, and can be reached by email at aj@shatteredperspectives.com. For media requests pertaining to Write Where It Hurts, please contact Aj at info@WriteWhereItHurts.org.
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Hi Aj. Thank you for this post and sharing your struggles. I am a fellow sufferer. Every couple of week or maybe three weeks, I first get two or three canker sores. Sometimes one is in my throat, which causes pain in my ear too. Then it comes. The feeling of moving through water, the aches and pains all over my body. Sometimes it will hit when I am at the far end of a huge store, like The Home Depot. It is all I can do to pick my feet off the ground and make it back to the car. Up until a few weeks ago, I had those same feelings. Where is God in this? Why has he abandoned me to pain? I could do so much more for him if not for this! Then I was at my physical therapist’s office and he prayed for me. He asked God to show me where he was in this. He was right here with me…continuing to help me through these times, showing me ways to help myself, and allowing me to rest when I needed it. Times of rest gives me a forced time of being able to focus on prayer or reading his word. I buy myself wonderful Bible studies by Christian women for just times like these. I’m good to myself, and God is good to me. Take good care of you too, Aj!
Thank you Linda!
Your words are an encouragement to me. Thank you so much. I appreciate you immensely.
It is a slow process but I am learning to trust in this season, to hide in the shelter of our Creator’s wings, and heal.
I pray that we, as women, would be continuously aware of the presence of God during each season in our lives.
Love, hugs and prayers!
<3 Aj
Oh how I needed this today, AJ! It’s been a rough week — pain levels are all over the place and yet everyone still expects the same results from me. How can I get them to understand that even though I look fine, I’m hurting so bad I can’t think straight? How can I make myself understand that just because I’m upright (as in standing or sitting) I’m still not able to do everything that needs to be done? I just can’t do it all.
I guess the answer is, grace. Grace extended to those who don’t understand what it’s like and also extending grace to myself. God made me this way and He knows my limitations. The only one I answer to is Him. Even though I have physical problems, I am still fearfully and wonderfully made.
Thank you so much for this reminder.
I just linked your article on the Given Me a Thorn Facebook page. 🙂
Jenni- WOW! Thank you so much for sharing this post. I am humbled and truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart!!
(((Hugs)))
Aj <3
Angie – Thank you so much for your sweet comment.
I have to be honest and tell you, I truly struggled with posting this today. I battled the feelings that no one would truly care and it felt as if I was simply complaining.
I am encouraged that my opening up my heart today, has encouraged you.
Yes, at the end of the day; in the midst of the moments grace is exactly what we need. Not just from others but towards ourselves.
We tend to beat up on ourselves worse than we would ever allow others to speak to us. That ought not be so!!
May we rest in the GRACE that our Creator has provided.
Praying for you friend!
Love, hugs and prayers!
<3
Aj
This is a great article. I can relate to some things, since I have chronic health issues. Thanks for posting this article! God Bless you.
Lisa,
Thank you for your comment. I am sorry that you have struggles with chronic pain as well. I will keep you in my prayers friend.
Remember, REST in HIM.
He is with us throughout every moment in our journey.
((Hugs)))
Aj <3
Hi AJ,
I have been away and am just getting to your e-mail. I am so sorry for your discomfort and have put you on my prayer list. I appreciate your willingness to lay yourself out there and write about it. Have you ever heard of Melaleuca? They have everyday products that are chemical and toxin free. Anyway, there are people that suffer from fibromyalgia that have found some relief with these products! Contact me cwirch@comcast.net, if you’d like some info.
Prayers for your peace and comfort,
Chery