Tears streamed silently down my face as I lay there in bed. My body racked with pain, it seemed more than I could take. Then the voices began flooding my mind.
“You are worthless. Just look at you. You are broken. This is all your fault. You are letting everyone down. You are making all this up in your head!”
Late last year I was diagnosed with auto immune disorder, fibromyalgia, and chronic pain. My medicine cabinet looks like a pharmacy. Yet I still hurt. The onset of pain can come at a moment’s notice and with no warning. Some days, picking up a pen is impossible. Driving a car is out of the question. Walking is difficult, let alone housework or everyday chores.
I’ve been told it’s my fault, I have a lack of faith, God is mad at me, I am making it all up, and it’s just the cross I am meant to bear.
It hurts. If they only knew how badly I am struggling. I want to be able to be “normal.” But then, what is normal?
I don’t like being sick. I don’t like feeling weak. Worst yet, I hate feeling as if I have no control. Along with chronic pain and fibromyalgia comes a dark depression. As if things aren’t bad enough in my physical body, now I have to battle the mental, too.
I can’t. I’m simply too tired. The Bible says to take every thought captive. I try, but it’s like trying to capture the ocean with a sand bucket: Impossible.
Why would God allow this to be part of who I am right now? Doesn’t He want to heal me? I mean, I could get so much more done for His Kingdom if I at least felt better.
Most days, I don’t. I sink deeper into worthlessness.
Then I wonder: is He punishing me? Deep down I know the answer. No, He is not angry at me. Instead, He is right here with me through each ache and pain. He collects my every tear in a bottle. He understands.
Maybe He just needs me to understand.
He never created me to be perfect. He created me with weaknesses and struggles. If He didn’t, then why would I ever need Him? He says that in my weakness, His strength is perfected in and through me. I have to accept that everything that happens to me, to us, is sifted through HIS hands first. We may not like or understand the why behind the what. We simply must lean on Him and trust that He is behind the scenes working on our behalf.
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalms 56:8
You are here, too? I know the discouragement of chronic pain. Maybe together we could just trade our frustrations for the Hand of our Creator, in blind trust taking one day at a time.
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Aj is a blogger, bookworm, wife and mommy, and an author of children’s books, spiritual thrillers, and inspirational works. Aj’s blog, Shattered Perspectives, is dedicated to encouraging and helping women who have suffered and/or are struggling with abuse. In her spare time Aj can be found nursing cold Diet Cokes and searching for awesome bargains in nearby thrift stores. She resides in Florida with her husband, son, two dogs and the biggest diva of a Siamese cat ever, and can be reached by email at firstname.lastname@example.org. For media requests pertaining to Write Where It Hurts, please contact Aj at info@WriteWhereItHurts.org.
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