Guest post by Sarah Knepper
Many times I struggle with being a mom, even though I volunteered for it. Too many days come to an end with me completely worn out and ready to throw in the towel.
I did not begin this journey as a single parent but found myself there after my third child. The pain I felt over my spouse leaving was almost too much to bear. He had robbed me of my trust for others, stealing the innocence that comes from being married only once.
I raised three small children on my own and it was those days I found myself praying to God to simply survive. I prayed no one would be permanently injured and that my children would grow up believing what I could not. Though I knew it was no way to live it was all I had.
My deeply wounded heart fell prey to the many lies.
You are damaged goods, Sarah—no one will want you after this. Just raise your children and keep your head down. Being alone is the only way to never get hurt again.
I hid these feelings from my children telling them every day they were loved and wanted. But somehow the message never resonated with me. The truth I was pouring into their hearts was rolling off of mine without leaving a drop.
I told God I was fine by myself, I didn’t need a man to make me whole. I would not let anyone in because life was easier that way.
Don’t you love how you tell God something and He calls your bluff? He answers your true heart cry even when your head is convincing you of something else entirely.
God did bring a man into my life and eight months later we were married.I went from single parenthood to having a partner again.
Yet this time it looked so different. I expected the marriage to help my mothering struggles and for everything to be “normal.” I had no clue about the mountains ahead and the self-sacrifice, endurance, and pure love it would take for us to succeed together.
There are moments when motherhood seems effortless like when my kids use those manners we’ve repeated over and over and over. One hurdle is crossed and I let out a deep breath of relief.
Then I look up and see the next one coming only it’s bigger, louder and much taller than the one before. Sometimes I’m scared to stick my big toe out because I cannot see what’s on the other side. I close my eyes and pray I can take the leap one more time.
Then Bryan grabs my hand and I remember there is someone beside me. He’s here to walk those hard places with me, to support and raise this family together. My heart hurts from the past but is hopeful in the future.
Motherhood is not just about me, it’s about our family heritage and that is what drives me to answer their heart cries every day.